Greeting Card Fail
It was late morning and I was at Target, looking to pick up a greeting card or cards because I can rarely settle on one. But we all know Target sucks us in—we browse and then end up buying things we don't need. Fortunately for me, that didn't happen this time, however it was an unfortunate circumstance that prevented it.
As I stood in the aisle, staring at something I didn't need, I felt my phone vibrate. And then my watch. As I was fumbling to turn my phone face up, it vibrated a second and third time. I quickly realized it wasn't just another annoying news headline or special offer from a store I don't shop at. But rather text messages. Three in a row meant it was likely someone or something important. I glanced down at my watch. It gave me the name and about the first five words of the text message. Those five words were enough for me to beeline it to checkout. As the cashier scanned my items and asked how I was doing, I politely lied and said, “I'm good, thanks”. But I wasn't good. Hell, I wasn't even fine.
I held myself together as best I could. I barely made it out of the store before the first tear rolled down my cheek. I knew what I was about to read was going to be absolutely devastating. I tossed my bag in the passenger seat, put my keys in the cupholder and reluctantly opened my unread messages. I could barely make it past the first sentence. I was literally sick to my stomach. As I kept reading, my heart sank and the tears were streaming. How could this be? Why? I sat there in my Jeep for 10 minutes. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to respond or if I even should. I had no words. Thankfully I wasn't required to speak because I don't think I could have. Nothing I could say or do would change what had just happened. But I offered my sincerest words in hopes that my sweet friend would feel them, like the big hug I couldn't give her. Then I prayed. But I wanted these prayers fast tracked—like skip ahead of everyone else's. I'm not so sure it works that way, but I tried. Sometimes it seems like my prayers go nowhere. They get lost somewhere in the cloud—much like everything else. Am I not saying the right things? Please, Lord, hear them! Do something!
I finally decided to put the keys in the ignition. Surely the A/C would make this all disappear. Not! I looked through my current playlist because I knew exactly what song I wanted to hear as I made my way home—Don't Lose Hope by Cochren and Co. I felt every bit of it and was hoping it would somehow reach my friends hurting heart. It probably didn't, but it made me feel better thinking it would. Ironically, I was introduced to this song by the very person I so desperately wanted to also hear and feel right now.
This dear soul has made such an impact on my life. She's truly been a Godsend and is just an incredible human who deserves the world. But right now her world was just turned upside down. And I just had to sit and watch it unfold, knowing there was nothing I could do. I felt completely helpless and useless—to a person I owe so much to. There was nothing I could do to make any of it go away, or even get better. I felt awful. The best I could do was be respectful of her wishes, even if it meant being shut out for a while. Sometimes we just need a timeout from life. I get it. I totally do. I do the same thing. But it didn't change my selfish need of wanting to help in some way. It sucked. Continued prayers were all I had to offer—and I didn't even know if they were being heard.
I cannot begin to imagine the magnitude of pain and heartache that my friend has endured, or even understand it. But I know what I felt as I read each and every one of those words. I felt a sadness and heartache that wasn't even mine to feel. But somehow I felt it, like it was my own. I was emotionally exhausted. I was stressed. I was mentally drained. It's hard when someone we love and care about is hurting so bad, yet there is nothing we can do. We just hurt for them. My heart was racing and breaking at the same time. My Garmin stress score suddenly went through the roof! That's when I knew there was no denying or ignoring what I was feeling.
It's amazing how drastically a moment can change. When the unexpected happens, we usually aren't prepared, especially when it's for the worse. That's why it's called unexpected. I've learned that it's ok to struggle. It's perfectly ok to not be ok. It's ok to cry for others and yourself too. It's ok to feel everything you need to feel. I used to think I was immune from feeling sad and crying. I have learned time and time again, that I AM NOT! I am just like everyone else—a human, with emotions. It's easy to get frustrated when you get pushed away by loved ones who are hurting, because you just want to help. But sometimes the best way to help, is to wait and be there when they're ready. Not get mad. Not get offended. Not run off. That's probably the last thing they need. We're needed—just not right now. We must remind ourselves that what we might want is not necessarily what our friend may want or need. We can't possibly understand anyone else's needs besides our own. We're all so different.
For me, what's on my heart is on my mind. And what's on my mind must come out or else it consumes me for much longer than it should. I often find peace and healing through writing. So consider this an intimate #deardiary moment. If you're hurting or struggling through something right now, know that you are not alone. There are so many people right there with you. Many of whom you may never even know about—friends, family, co-workers. Whatever it is that you feel, I hope you find peace and comfort in knowing that people love and care about you. Don't lose hope!
I went into Target to buy a card for the very friend this whole story is about, not knowing what I was about to find out. I soon realized the card I had just purchased was not the one I needed. But there was no way in hell I was going back in. I couldn't. I tried again another day.