If I’m Too Much, Go Find Less

Have you ever just broke down and started crying? Like for no reason? Yeah, me neither. #justkidding 

I feel like most of us have been there. And I'm finding that it happens a lot more now than it ever did. There is ALWAYS a reason for it. It's never random, even if it seems to happen at a random time. We have mastered the art of denial in our minds and it gets the best and worst of us. Every. Single. Time. If you're like me, you'll suppress and deny your feelings until the end of time. It's so bad. 

Growing up, I don't recall crying very much, even as I entered the dreaded teenage years, where everything sucked. If I was crying, you better have been running away from me, because I was madder than hell. That's when I cried. I never cried when I felt sad or hurt. Maybe I didn't know what being sad felt like or maybe I was just really good at hiding it from the world and myself. To be honest, I don't really have a great answer. 

I do know however, that we live in a society that frowns upon expressing emotions, especially if it involves crying. How many times growing up did you hear, "stop crying, don't be a baby" or "crying is for babies" or my absolute favorite..."stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about?" Sheesh—so harsh. Looking back, I'd argue most of the time it was warranted because as kids, we are whiny brats. At least I was a pain in the ass. But I don't think we ever consider if there are lasting effects of hearing those phrases over and over. And I'm not suggesting there are, it's just something I've pondered. I grew up being tough. There is just no other way to put it. There was no crying in baseball, so therefore I didn't cry. I was a tomboy and an athlete out of the womb. I was in the middle of two sisters who always beat up on me. I just learned to be tough. Plain and simple. 

It's funny and somewhat ironic to me, how we then become adults and spew out those same phrases we despised hearing as a child. Only they sound more sophisticated and we can get away with saying them jokingly. Some personal favorites are, "suck it up, buttercup" or "stop feeling sorry for yourself" or "get over yourself". All basically insinuating that someone is being emotional about something. I'd be lying if I said I've never uttered them to anyone. Looking back, do I feel bad about it? Yes, in some instances for sure. Because I hate when someone uses them on me. We speak but often don't think about the consequences of our words. Words are easy to spill out but sometimes impossible to take back. 

I work with high school athletes. Believe me, there are plenty of things said that probably shouldn't be said. But it happens. As adults we don't realize the potential detriment of a joking phrase such as telling a 16 year old football player, "you're soft!" Or better yet, saying it to the kid who is crying because he just found out his season is bagged because he tore his ACL. 

Listen—that shit is hard to deal with. When I have to tell my athlete that has worked his ass off and was slated to have a breakout year, that his season is now over because of an injury—it's devastating. Unfortunately I have to do it a lot. I can tell you right now, watching and consoling a 16-year old that is sobbing in the middle of a football game is extremely difficult. I, as the athletic trainer have to maintain my composure because that kid needs me to be strong for him in that moment. Does it break my heart? Oh my gosh—YES! Every time. But what good am I if I'm crying with him? Doesn't give him much confidence in me or the situation. I deal with injuries and having to tell kids they can't play, on a daily basis. Doesn't make it easy. As I've grown older and hopefully a bit wiser, I have learned better ways to handle these situations and channel my feelings. One thing I will say, is that I have never and will never tell an athlete not to cry or feel any of the emotions they are feeling. Generally speaking, we aren't comfortable with allowing people to express their sensitive sides and expose certain emotions, especially high school boys. There's such a stigma. I've had plenty of my guys cry on me. I've wiped countless tears of heartbroken athletes. Is it part of my job description? No. Is it part of who I am as a person? Yes, 100%. 

Having to be strong for others on a constant basis and for so long, has resulted in me feeling the need to always hide and suppress emotions, be it my own or those I feel for someone else. It's incredibly hard. I stay bottled up. I rarely let any of it out. But I've been like this my entire life. I can't show anyone that I feel sad or that I cry. That's ridiculous, right? No, it's WRONG. Wrong on so many levels. It's amazing the facade that I can and have put on for so long. It has served me well for sure. But when I am by myself, for instance, on my commute home—it starts coming out. My emotions from the day, the week, the month,  immediately surface, just as the heavy tears do. See, I do cry! 

So what the heck is it that I feel at work and keep under wraps up until I leave? What kind of emotions are we talking about here? Well—it could be that I just put an athlete in the back of an ambulance, not knowing if he would ever walk again. It could be me praying that the 45min conversation I just had with my athlete, made enough of an impact that he would no longer contemplate committing suicide. It could be the angst of hearing an athlete tell me he was scared to death to go home. Or it could be about the athlete who confided in me after finding out she was pregnant and was now considering an abortion. These are all very true situations that I have been faced with. It is any number of things on any given day, but none of it is ever easy. From an emotional standpoint, it's exhausting to say the least. But my athletes mean so much to me and if they need me and trust me enough and allow me in, then I owe it to them to be involved and help however I can. Many of them trust me as their confidant. It's such a great honor but a huge responsibility and role to fulfill. But I care about my kiddos and their well being. Therefore I tend to get emotionally involved in their lives, beyond just athletic injuries. It truly makes for an emotional roller coaster ride, but I'm riding it with them—even though they don't realize it. 

More recently, I found myself an emotional wreck and probably the worst I've ever been, when I got devastating news from a friend, who is basically my sister.  I was so sad. I was truly heart broken. I felt something that wasn't even mine to feel. But I really struggled. I broke down on multiple occasions, which is very unusual for me. I called my mom crying—which I never do. I was beside myself. It was to the point that Nick was concerned, even though I told him that I was fine. But he knew better. I was not fine. So we talked about the situation and how I was feeling. I told him that I didn't know why I was feeling the way I was. I didn't have a good explanation. One of the first things he said to me was, "I've never seen you like this". I'm thinking, "yeah, because usually I'm good at hiding it". Story of my life! But this time—not so much. I didn't have the commute home to get it out. He's by no means a therapist, but he is my husband and knows me very well. He reassured me that I'm not crazy and told me that I am emotionally invested in our friendship so it's perfectly ok to feel the hurt I was feeling. As our conversation continued, I remember Nick telling me, "you feel this way because she's part of your tribe". And that just hit me different. I've always loved the saying, "find your tribe, love them hard". This was clearly a perfect example of that, yet it didn't quite register that way to me, for some reason. 

As I get older, I’m beginning to realize that for most of my life I have suppressed the very essence of my being. I’m thankful God has blessed me with the ability to connect with people and feel life on a much deeper level than most. When someone I love and care about is struggling or experiencing pain and heartache—I feel it too. I feel it to the point that it might as well be my own burden to carry. It's insane. I stress myself out worrying about others. It's hard to explain and I can't undo that. I’m slowly becoming ok with it and understanding it better. It's hard to believe that I've lived life this long and hadn't realized what all of this meant. Why I'm always so wrapped up in other people's situations. Why I feel the things I do, for others. A blessing in disguise, I suppose. 

One thing I do know moving forward, is that I will never be sorry for how I feel! I feel things with my whole heart, sometimes to my own demise. But it's who I am. Do I frequently suffer from emotional exhaustion as a result? Yes! But it allows me to be more in-tune to others’ needs and feelings and be present, even if it's just on an emotional level. It allows me to empathize and show compassion. Without that, I wouldn’t be me. I believe it's who God intended me to be, even though it's hard to get out sometimes. 

And unfortunately most people don’t understand so it's not uncommon to be pegged as too sensitive or too emotional. I'd argue that being sensitive and emotional and in-tune to others' feelings and needs, is one of the greatest gifts God has given me. I almost regret spending so many years trying to hide and ignore it. On the outside, I have the hardest shell you can imagine. I play the tough guy role as good as anyone. Inside that shell however, a totally different story. Most people don't ever see that part of me, even though that is ME! I keep it hidden and have only invited very few people in my life, to enter that vulnerable space. Because it's just that—vulnerable. But in order to connect with people on a deep, emotional level, like I have, we have to be willing to show our vulnerabilities and our emotions, even if it makes us uncomfortable. 

Maybe it's that I care too much. Maybe it's that I love too hard. But really, it's just who I am. Does it mean I get hurt more? Yeah, it does. Does it mean I feel let down quite a bit? Sure. Does it mean that I am sensitive and emotional? YES!!! I will continue to be just who God made me to be, even if it means I feel all the feels. Maybe I've just exposed a diamond in the rough!