Marriage—More Than Just “I Do”

Seriously, A decade? All I keep thinking is, gosh we're freaking old and where has the time gone? 

Let me start by saying marriage isn’t easy. It takes work. And a lot of it. But it actually takes so much more than that. I don’t even know that work is the appropriate term, but we've just accepted it as such. Marriage takes love. It takes compromise. It takes understanding. It takes empathy. It takes compassion. It takes faith. It takes kindness. It takes sacrifice. It takes acceptance. It takes commitment. The list is endless. Basically it takes two people pouring everything they have into another human being and into their relationship. Seems kind of cliche so I will elaborate on what I actually mean. 

People say if you make it past the Honeymoon phase or 1st year of marriage, you’re good to go. It's this amazing year of being on cloud 9—a fantasy in which everything is magical and no flaws or problems of any kind exist. Wrong. Wrong. WRONG! That is so not a thing! For starters, our honeymoon was less than ideal, but certainly a time we will never forget. A romantic getaway—not so much. The best part was simply just being together, away from the world for a brief period.  We endured multiple nights without power (yay, Punta Cana) and sunburn so bad we literally couldn't touch each other. Worst newlyweds ever! It's also the reason I will never consume spiced rum again. Don't ask! Sounds like a great start to our marriage, right? But we survived. This is true, by the way. 

But back to the Honeymoon phase—that wonderful 1st year that everyone envisions and can't wait to experience. Endless nights of passionate sex, an unconditional love so deep it seems surreal, perfect happiness with every waking day, yada yada yada. Guys—that's so unrealistic. That's not real life. If you're starting your marriage off like that, please let me know how long it lasts. I'm not saying that you can't enjoy any of that. I'm simply stating that the 1st year of marriage isn't all glitz and glam. It's a time for figuring each other out, learning quirks, dealing with someone who is different than you are. It's asking tough questions, maybe merging finances—including debt, making decisions for two instead of one. It's so many things that aren't what we imagined them to be. It's not necessarily bad—it's just reality. And some people just struggle with that. So let's talk a little more about marriage. 

We get married but I don’t think we truly know what it means or what we’re getting ourselves into. As we grow up and hit various milestones, we learn that for many people, marriage is typically one of them. We find someone we love and hopefully are in love with, and agree to spend the rest of our lives with them. Yikes, that's a lot! But I still don’t think we get it. Sure we have these vows that we recite to each other, some even cute and unique, and promise to live them out. Again—It’s fun and exciting in the moment and brings great joy to our loved ones who witness it. But I don’t think we truly grasp the concept of what it means to be married and live out those vows. Most of the time we are so young anyways and haven't truly experienced life. 

Maybe you lived with your spouse before getting married. Maybe you didn’t. Maybe you had sex with them prior, or maybe you didn’t. Maybe you learned and accepted all their weird quirks. Maybe you didn’t. Maybe you knew of the accompanying baggage, but maybe you didn’t. Either way—you have now promised that regardless, you will love this person with every ounce of your being until your very last day. Can you hold up your end of the deal? And I'll add that things change and maybe not in the way you expected. 

What if you dreamed up this perfect life with your spouse, that included having children and watching them grow up? But then realize that might not be possible or isn't part of God's plan for you. Then what? Do you just give up on your spouse? Do you just blame each other? What if you envision being financially established and living a comfortable life? But then experience an unforeseen accident that piles onto your already nightmarish mound of debt? What do you do? Do you just walk away? What if the life you planned together just isn't going as planned? It happens all the time. It's how we handle that adversity. How strong is your marriage? How strong is your love and faith in one another? Can you survive it?

Has our 10 year marriage been wedded bliss, as some like to half-jokingly proclaim? Hell no! We have gone through hardship. We have gone through pain and struggle. We have faced the unexpected head on—time after time. But we have loved and held onto each other through it all. The anger, the tears, the disappointment, the stress, the unknown. It's not a matter of if it's going to happen but rather when. We have also experienced many joys together. We have celebrated accomplishments, promotions, and milestones. I laugh at Nick's bad jokes all the time. He makes fun of my weirdness. We laugh together or at each other—all the time. And although we have our individual interests separate from each other, most of the time we are doing what we both enjoy—together! That's super important. Spending time together is priceless. I will admit it wasn't until the COVID pandemic and being forced to remain homebound, that I realized how much I was missing out on our togetherness. I learned just how much I let my career consume me and pull me away from my marriage. Don't let it happen to you! It was simple things like cooking and enjoying 3 meals a day together. Say what?! Seems so trivial, but so true. 

We're 10 years in and I'd argue this is the Honeymoon phase that everyone dreams of. While I can't speak for Nick, I am the happiest I've been, despite the disappointments we have faced over the years and continue to face. Nick might have a different view, but I didn't ask for his contribution on this. He has read it however, and did not disagree. The sex is way better. Experience is definitely the key. It makes a difference—just wait. We've learned how we each operate, separately and together. We know what makes it work and what doesn't. We both share in the daily responsibilities of cooking, cleaning, chores, etc. It takes two to make it work—in all aspects of marriage! 

You'll often hear that marriage requires 50/50 effort. I'd argue that’s not the best approach. I believe it needs to be 100/100—meaning you're all in, all the time. But is that realistic? Heck no. So what do you do when your spouse can only give 50% or you can only give 50%, but you know it takes full effort from both? Well—it means the other person has to be willing to put in 150% effort to make up the difference. You're probably thinking, that's ridiculous. And if you are thinking that, maybe that's why it isn't or hasn't worked for you. No one is ever at 100% effort all the time, in any aspect of life. We fall short. A lot. But in a marriage, when you fall short—sometimes it can be detrimental, if it continues to happen. You have to be willing to pick up the slack when your spouse isn't operating at 100%. It's not easy by any means, but it's certainly possible. Will there still be hard days, and days neither of you can pick up that slack for the other? Yes, absolutely! But don't make a habit of it. I promise, it's worth giving everything you've got! 

Marriage is comprised of so many small things. It's recognizing when your spouse is off and finding ways to lift them up. It's leaving little love notes. It’s that beer waiting because your spouse knows about the day you’ve just had.  It's impromptu date nights. It's picking up the slack. It's Nick doing the dishes because I absolutely hate it. It's coming home to a clean house after a long Saturday at work. It's a surprise gift. It's that hug and smile that greets you as you walk in—although it's usually from the dogs first. It's dinner already made. It's Netflix binges together on the couch. It's quality time. 

It's no secret that marriage also requires a healthy balance. Make sure you complement each other well. It allows you to meet in the middle and compromise. So, what's our balance? And feel free to laugh if you must—Nick is a health nut. I'm a junk food junkie. Nick tends to be more of an extrovert. I am definitely introverted. Nick likes to wake up early. I'd rather sleep in. Nick loves to workout. I mostly love to eat. Nick is easy going. I am stubborn beyond belief. Nick likes to be busy. I like to be unbothered. Nick is spontaneous. I like everything planned. Nick is decisive. I am not so much. Nick tells bad jokes. I still laugh at them. Like I said, it's all about balance. We have learned each other's needs and work toward common ground when we can't agree. When we reference our spouse, we often speak about them being our better half. You can obviously see why Nick is the better half! At least the more compromising half. We make it work!

I always joke and tell people we're still married because getting divorced is too damn expensive. But I truly can't imagine doing life with anyone else. There is no replacement for the amazing husband I have. In good times and bad, Nick is my rock. He's my ride or die. In a decade, we have lived out our vows, just about to the fullest. There is no walking away when things get tough. There is no second guessing. It's just a lifelong commitment that we promised each other. We're in it for the long haul—until death do us part. Here's to the next 10 years and beyond! 

“Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” —1 Corinthians 13:4-8