Sorry, Not Sorry
I should start by saying I used to be a prude. And to be honest, I guess I still am to some extent. But a lot has changed over the years. I was always concerned with how others viewed me. That is until I realized that other peoples' opinions of me is none of my business. I stopped giving a shit about what others think of me. It's such a mental drain. Talk about freedom. I freed myself from the captivity of trying to please others and pretending to be someone I'm not. What a waste of my time! The mental anguish was unrelenting punishment.
In addition to being a prude, it's also worth mentioning that I have been known as a goody two-shoes, and as straight laced as they come. Almost to the point where I would constantly feel the need to pass judgement on others. Ugh—so bad! I felt like I had that better than everyone attitude, but without any real way to back it up. If this is you—STOP! It's literally the worst. One of my favorite lines is—"We all sin. We just sin differently".
There was a point in time and it wasn't long ago, where I was completely offended by the word 'fuck'. Weird—I know! It was cringeworthy to me and appalling to hear other people just throw it around in casual conversation, or even worse, use it directly at another individual. I would think to myself, "Wow, I can't believe they just said that! They are the fucking worst!" I even constantly reminded my athletes that I didn't want to hear it in my presence. But don't you worry, it was spewed out in my head many times. Who am I to tell someone what they can and can't say? There was just something about it. I don't know what made it so much worse than other words, but it just was.
Then something happened. The year 2020—that's what happened! The year I dropped the f-bomb. Wow!! 2020 has really brought out my true colors I suppose. Or maybe it's just the year that I'm realizing I am who I am and it's ok to be just that. I don't have to apologize for who I am and I won't apologize for who I am. Take me or leave me. I'm real. I'm raw. I'm genuinely me. Flaws and all.
I don't recall what I was doing the exact moment 'fuck' came flying out of my mouth, but I remember it feeling kind of euphoric. It was almost like the, 'OMG where have you been my entire life' kind of feeling. Although I don't use it often, I must admit it has come out on more than one occasion. And, if you must know, it felt good leaving my lips—every. single. time. I now understand why people use the word. I have also noticed that when I use the word to assert myself, especially around men, they listen. Imagine that. It really takes the word fuck for people to take me seriously? I guess I'll just have to keep using it then. Sorry, mom! Just kidding—I'm not sorry.
I'll probably catch some flak for this post and I'm ok with that. I don't think anyone is bold enough to even confront me on it. There will be people who know me or think they know me—and this will take them by surprise. Why? Because as much as I am myself, I do have a filter. Believe it or not. Most people have never heard this word come out of my mouth. I don't just say fuck for the sake of saying it. I'm intentional with what I do and what I say. I was taught however, that there is a time and a place for everything. At my grandmother's dinner table—not the place. Yelling at my 5 month old puppy who just brought an entire uprooted Kale plant into the house via the doggie door—the perfect time! You get my point.
If you're offended—well, I don't really know what to tell you besides get over yourself. I was once in your shoes too! So I get it. If you think less of me now, that's your problem—not mine. I can't live my life constantly worrying what the next person thinks of me. I know who I am and what I stand for. I'm not seeking approval. For those who support me, I love y'all (in my best Kentucky accent). If you're struggling to let loose and be yourself, whatever the reason, keep on keepin' on! Just remember, you won't fully enjoy life until you can be yourself. Stop looking to others for validation. Those who love you, will remain by your side. Those who don't—well, who cares? They can hitchhike with someone else.
Don't change to fit in someone else's mold and don't expect anyone to fit into your mold. We were born to be unique and different. Take advantage of that. If you want to say the word 'fuck' while chasing down a dream, you do you. If you don't want to say it because it's just not you, that's fine too. But, always be unapologetically YOU!