Brain Purge

Disclaimer: This is a brain purge. Raw. Unfiltered. Unedited. Come as it may. There is so much in my head right now that NEEDS to come out. There is no masterful insight behind any of this…just thoughts spewed into text. I just needed to make some space and relieve the tension headache.

It’s Thursday, September 11, 2025…twenty fours years since that horrendous attack on America. Remember it? Yeah, me too! Each year on that day, I find myself reflecting back to where I was, what I was doing, and how I felt. Today feels so much different. To be honest I haven’t thought about 9/11 once. Seems odd…right? That was a major historical event that is permanently scarred in my mind yet I haven’t even given it the slightest thought today. Why? There are open wounds right now…that need to be addressed.

Maybe it’s because I don’t feel like we’re America right now. I don’t feel united as people. I don’t feel strength through togetherness. Maybe because I feel our country is divided beyond human repair. Maybe it’s that I have just lost all faith in humanity. Maybe it’s because I am trying to process the deep sickness and evil that continues to grow at an alarming rate.

It has been a shit week for all of us! If you don’t feel affected by any of the events that have transpired this week in our country, it might be time for some serious introspection. Late morning yesterday, I was reading an article and watching video footage of the unthinkable tragedy that occurred to the young lady on the train in Charlotte, North Carolina. The story is beyond sad. I found myself in disbelief and absolutely disgusted with the lack of human decency witnessed in that video. A woman was brutally murdered, throat slit and stabbed and was bleeding out as four other people…four other human beings just sat there, totally unfazed. Not one of them made any effort to intervene or at the very least make an attempt to help this victim. How fucked up does your life have to be to not react to a situation like that? I mean seriously? At what point do you make the conscious decision to disregard what is happening in real time? Is this really what the world has come to? What the fuck is wrong with you people?

This had my blood boiling, for multiple reasons and I don’t need to elaborate, as I’m sure many share the same sentiments on this. At first I was surprised by the lack of media coverage of this brutal killing but after watching the video I realized why that may have been the case. My mind stirred on this for a while and then my mental capacity took a huge plunge after getting even more devastating news.

As I was sitting at my desk, preparing for my work day, I got a text at exactly 3pm that said…”Someone shot Charlie Kirk.” My immediate response was, “What???” Then I saw the video. Then I saw another video. The one up close. If you didn’t see it…please don’t. You really shouldn’t. It is deeply disturbing. It literally made me ill. I was sick to my stomach and thought I was going to vomit. I listened to coworkers talking about it and how they also felt sick over it. Seemed to be the case for everyone.

People die tragically all the time, especially people we don’t know but I don’t recall ever having a physical response like that. This just hit different. Two awful murders in just as many days, with video footage, doesn’t sit well. I feel sick over this. Something is triggered and I’m not sure what it is just yet. But I’m sure it will come out soon enough. I think it’s just realizing what we are coming to in society. It’s an anger and sadness that can’t quite be put into words.

While still processing my feelings and physiologic response from the two events…a news headline rolls in that a shooting took place at a high school outside of Denver. Like what in the actual fuck is happening? I was listening to a brief interview and remember the person saying, “I don’t even know if he was old enough to drive.” Meaning the shooter. Is this really where we are right now? Like why?

I found myself just doom scrolling yesterday and getting angrier by the minute. Then I thought to myself…”why are you letting these people, or bots more than likely, affect you so much”? My emotions were all over the place but deep anger was and continues to be the superseding feeling. I wasn’t a Charlie Kirk super fan by any means. I think he was bold in his convictions and I appreciate that so much. We need more people willing to do what he did! I applaud his efforts for the conservative movement among the younger generation and speaking truth. He was certainly a master at his craft. It takes some balls to go into the toxic environment of college campuses and discuss vulnerable topics that keep, especially young people on edge. But he did it and I’d argue most times he did it very well. I don’t think his message was always received with open arms and it definitely was triggering to some, I’m sure. But at the end of the day…no one…NO ONE deserves to die over their beliefs and speaking them in an open forum.

That’s where I think people are upset, even those who did not support or agree with Charlie Kirk. When someone is killed for exercising their 1st amendment right in this country…we have some serious issues at hand. To top it off…the number of lunatics online that are outwardly supporting his killing is an atrocity in and of itself. We are in need of some deep soul searching.

I’m not sure where we go from here. I know gun violence will always be a hot topic and it will always exist. Always has. Always will. I get it. But what about everything that leads up to the gun violence. Why are we NOT having those conversations? Why? I think it’s time to look at more of the root causes rather than the superficial ‘guns kill people’ conversation and we should take them away. If it’s guns that kill people…how do we explain the unprovoked and brutal stabbing on the train in Charlotte. No gun involved!! Did the knife kill Iryna Zarutska? No…just a raging lunatic with a history of violence and arrests, maybe a racist…who’s been released on numerous accounts and just running around the streets.

Are we happy yet? Is this what we want? Is it ever going to stop? Do we need to take matters into our own hands? Is that where we’re headed? Unfortunately I have many more questions than I do answers but right now I’m just pissed. Right now I live in a society where I trust no one. I have no desire to attend public events. I have to be extra vigilant in public, in general. I feel the need to immediately become defensive out of being fearful. I don’t give people the benefit of the doubt anymore. I’m starting to believe many people are true scum of the earth and pure evil. They walk among us every single day and will strike unprovoked and without warning. I hate that I feel this way…but it’s just how I feel. You don’t have to agree with me. Hell, I hope you don’t. I hope you have more faith in a turnaround than I do. I don’t see it. All I see is further division with each passing day. We don’t care about each other. We’d rather watch someone die right in front of us with no action. Not even a reaction. It’s crazy. We are numb. Is it politics? Is it morals? What is it exactly? Why are we like this?

I try to be open minded and listen to other viewpoints I tend to disagree on, but when I hear someone start trying to justify these heinous acts of violence or blame it on inanimate objects, you lose me and the conversation is null and void. There is NO justification for these acts. I don’t care what’s going on. Had a bad day or a bad moment…not an excuse. Mental health crisis…not an excuse. SSRIs…not an excuse. How we are raised…not an excuse. Don’t like someone…NOT A FUCKING EXCUSE! There is no moral justification for evil.

I can spend thousands and thousands more words on this but I’ll leave it at this…if we don’t get our shit together here soon, it’s not looking good. People are more than agree at this point. People have had enough. Let’s hope at some point we can all at least agree to disagree without resorting to killing each other. And if you are one of the evil souls, either committing the acts of violence or supporting them…your day to face your maker is coming! I hope you’re ready.